It's A Big Day


Today’s a big day. This is the first CT scan since joining the clinical trial two months ago when we get to see what’s going on inside. Two months doesn’t seem like long I suppose, but when my tumors have been doubling in size every few months it sure feels like a long wait for me.

Not sure I have a feeling one way or another. I’ve tried to approach this scan with no hopes or expectations. I know that’s not really possible as of course we hope this drug is working, but I figure no amount of wishing and hoping is going to change whatever is happening inside me. The scan is going to show whatever it is. We just have to accept it and act accordingly.

The question today is if the first drug is working even a little. Even some growth will be acceptable if it has slowed down to no more than 20% over the last scan. Read that again with me. Growing by 20% in two months is “working.” Kind if depressing that is our bar but it is what it is. Anything more and I fail the drug and request to crossover to the trial drug.

So am I nervous? Well yeah, of course I am. I’m constantly working toward acceptance but that little bit of hope is always there.

I get asked constantly if I think this drug is working. I wish I could just feel it. If it was based on how I feel it just depends on the day. The last 3 days I’ve felt crappy. Pain returned in a strong wave and hasn’t left yet. Precious to that I had a solid 2 weeks relatively pain free. It seems to come and go. Fortunately the lesser pain still seems to occupy longer stretches of time, but that can change any time. Whenever the increased pain lasts for many days I have the fear it won’t subside. So far it eventually has. Let’s keep hoping.

Heather and the family are home continuing on with what life requires but here in spirit I know. Their support is amazing and what keeps me going. I appreciate everyone and knowing they are rooting for the best.

So here I sit in yet another waiting room, first of several today. First I meet with a PA for the physical. Last night was blood draws and trial director. Next up is a fast drive to the Scottsdale Clinic for the scan. Then back here for the follow up and hopefully some news. It may take longer though to get the radiologist report. Hurry up and wait is the name of the game.

Well it’s more than a game, but we still step up to bat and play our best. Swinging for the fences every time. Today I’ll take a base hit. That’ll be enough.

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