What Defines You?

I think we ask ourselves this question somewhat frequently in our lives, perhaps most often during times of adversity or at the first of each year when we tend to evaluate what we’ve done and what we’d like to do going forward. What is it about us that defines who we are? Do we let our circumstances define us? Our employment, religion, or hobbies? I would expect it’s typically a combination of things, but also what we most identify with that is usually how we title ourselves.

In recent years most know me as a photographer. This is most likely due to how we connect via social media. We connect through the written words we share, but what we share is most often driven by something visual associated with what we are sharing, and for me that has been my exploration of photography. I don’t mind that at all as while it’s been part of my means of making a living, it was born mostly out of an enjoyment of looking at the world through a lens. Or a full bag of lenses in my case.

In my recent trip to Boston meeting with a pharmaceutical company along with many other GIST patients one message shared by some was that they didn’t want cancer to define them. This was a basis for them not sharing their diagnosis at all in some cases, but for many just not sharing their daily highs and lows of what treatment does to them and the impact it has on their lives. While it’s the complete opposite of what I’ve chosen to do in my very public sharing of my journey, I also completely understand their desire to continue to talk about and share anything else.

Often I’m asked if it bothers me that likely everyone wants to ask about my latest struggles or how I’m dealing with cancer and it’s impact. This of course is mentioned almost apologetically when the individual is asking their own versions of similar questions asked on a daily basis. Stuart Scott, who I reference his book frequently, rants a bit about a point in his fight that he got so tired of people asking him the “how are you doing” type questions, once again bringing cancer front and center into his day.

“I had so many people at ESPN coming up to me saying, “Hey, how are you doing?” I hated it—which doesn’t mean I didn’t appreciate them. They meant well. But this cancer thing was on my mind every minute of the day—I wasn’t looking to talk about it all day, too.”

Again, while I understand this sentiment and admittedly most days I’d like to think about anything but cancer, I really don’t mind the questions and conversations. Most days I’m just happy to be having conversations with others of any kind. For me I find that repeating the latest updates, thoughts, hope and realities helps me work through those thoughts again, making them familiar and in many ways more accepted in my mind. Just like when I’ve taught various topics, I learn them better in the retelling of them because I have to work it out in my mind in a way I can explain it to someone else unfamiliar with it all.

This came up the other day on an outing with a couple of neighbor friends. He was asking some questions throughout the evening, and on the way home we were discussing the whole concept of not being able to “ring the bell” in my chemo treatments like those with a cancer that receive traditional chemo. I shared how another GIST patient summed it up that once diagnosed we are on drugs until we die. It was kinda quiet for a bit and he said something to the effect of “Do you really feel that way? You said that so unemotionally like it wasn’t that big of a deal. Are you just resigned to that or does that weigh you down?” That’s when we talked about how it does become somewhat familiar and just accepted in how I talk about it after retelling it over and over.

I told Heather later that perhaps my biggest regret in being frank and open about talking about my journey is I can make a bummer out of a double date quickly! Apologies for that. Let’s talk about anything else then in those circumstances. We can do that too, honest. We’re still fun people to hang out with…I hope.

This morning as I was continuing to explore this concept of what defines me I was reminded of what I’ve heard repeated at yoga, spin and keeps popping up in different situations. It’s through our struggles that we discover ourselves. There are a ton of great quotes out there about how through struggle we find growth and progress. And it’s true. We all face hardships of differing kinds and depth, and it’s through the effort of working through and overcoming every aspect of those struggles that we grow, and we discover who we are and what we’re made of. And in that same vein, we never know the struggles a person is going through behind that smile or social media post that says everything is just fine.

Well let me tell you, living with cancer is a most definitely a struggle. So in that way, cancer really can define you but perhaps not in the way that some are trying to avoid it. From the moment of diagnosis cancer is always with you. There’s not a moment in any day that you forget you have cancer. Sure, you might find ways to distract yourself and even get into a little denial like things are just fine, but soon something will smack you in the face and remind you that reality still looms out there. And yet, through these hardest of times is when you find out if you truly believe all those motivational things you’ve said in the past. It’s easier to say good things and feel excited when your believe your efforts are making a difference. So during these days when things get harder, and knowing they will get harder still, how do you react? When you get knocked down with a rough day, series of days, or just even that information that rocks your paradigm once again what do you do?

I’ve been thinking a lot about this over the last few weeks and especially since the latest scan update. How do I keep choosing to get back up and brush off the dust or shake off that metaphorical scraped knee and keep on choosing to live. I’m not sure I have a specific answer to that other than telling myself to just do it. Some days you have to raise the white flag and surrender to what your body is saying you have to is required. Rest, recoup and then the moment you can rise and rejoin the fight, that’s exactly what you do.

So next time you ask how things are, maybe you might get a little more info that you bargained for. But if you’re ok with that, I am too. Feel free to ask, just be ready to have a discussion of some depth and requiring you to share some insight and thoughts as well. If you’d rather avoid that, that’s ok too. Let’s talk about anything else and have a great time at that. I’m up for all of it. What defines me is the journey, and every bit of what it entails. How about you?