Putting 2018 in the Rearview

I’ve been thinking a lot about closing out this last year and what the next year might look like. It’s been quite a year, putting it mildly. While thinking through all that’s happened it’s been easy to think about the difficulties and adversity of the year, and there’s been plenty. While taking some much needed rest the other day I was scrolling through the social feed and saw my friend Joel’s post with some great thoughts admonishing us to quit saying “20XX sucked”, whining about all the bad that’s happened and repeating this year after year. When you see those Facebook memories come up from a year ago, is it the same kind of negativity about your previous year or are you celebrating something good and looking forward with optimism? He wisely points suggests that if negativity reigns in your post, perhaps the problem lies with yourself rather than you circumstances.

I do thin I can safely say 2018 has been a rougher than the norm, even without falling to far into that negative camp. The year started with plenty of enthusiasm and positive momentum from all my efforts to be healthy with good eating and fitness habits running strong. Then I ran full speed into a CT scan that turned my thinking on it’s head. All the efforts I had been making may have been good, but my cancer was surging with increasing speed and spread despite it all. Up to this point I had full faith and belief that my efforts were not only making a difference but had the real potential to if not “beat” this thing I am fighting at least beat it into submission in a way that would let me live many more years and make surgery something to consider much further down the road.

This scan would completely change my thinking and force a grip on a different reality. Or perhaps better put force me to understand my reality better and temper my expectations. That was a hard pill to swallow along with my daily chemo that I now realized was not making as much of a difference as six months previous. This would set the tone for the year full of setbacks and difficult milestones to work toward and from each time we met them. Later disappointing scans, a massive "debulking" surgery and it’s subsequent physical and emotional recovery, the rapid return of my cancer and the requisite continuing treatment efforts. I think it’s safe to say, the year did suck in many ways.

And yet.

And yet there is so much to take away from this last year I can celebrate and remember with fondness and gratitude.

I’ve had another year in my life with my wonderful family. My wife and kids have been not only supportive but have reminded me that life keeps on living no matter what is going on that pushes us in different directions. We’ve continued to work hard and making our time matter, living with intention and purpose as best as we can each day. Investing in memories even with the most simple of activities each day. I’ve had to humble myself and realize that I can’t do this all alone and allow myself to be open to the help of others, and so many stepped up in a big way. From neighbors to friends near and far we’ve received an outpouring of support. From financial to emotional, the boost has been an immense help through the time I’ve been unable to work like in the past and forced to rely on Heather’s efforts to takeover our primary source of income. Even beyond the extended recovery time from surgery I haven’t been able to work at the level I did in the past, making less than I have since the very beginning of my career, which is very difficult for me to accept along with the assistance of others. Through the hard times we’ve found many sweet moments of individual and family growth as we’ve had to pull together to address the changing dynamics of our combined life efforts. There have been some wonderful trips together, small and a bit bigger, and some amazing experiences I already cherish as I look at the year as a whole and what we’ve been able to do in the midst of the challenges. We’ve our family achieve new things and put a finer point on every adventure.

Without belaboring itemizing all the ups and downs of the year I think it’s safe to say it’s been a year of good and bad unlike any other I’ve had, and yet like all others because there were highs and lows, bad and good, and all contributing to the life experience. So much to learn and grow from, and to give purpose to whatever comes next.

I feel motivated to look forward rather than back, only giving a small check in that rearview mirror as an advisory and make adjustments on my course looking ahead. There’s much to celebrate and so much left to accomplish that I can’t allow myself to be overcome by the burdens of the past even if they may limit me in some respects. I can still make goals and aspirations for the upcoming months and years and work toward making those happen with emphasis on what matters most. As new opportunity and adversity arrives, we’ll do our best with them and seek to accomplish what we can. Just like every year before and to come, but perhaps with even a little more intention and purpose that before.