Processing Tough Information

Well, I had thought I might let this season a bit in the grey matter, but here I am at the keyboard and decided I'd let this flow however it's going to flow. Raw, open and unedited.

Today was not the news we were hoping for. A few hours ago I met with the oncologist and got the results of my latest scan. The short version Sutent (2nd tier drug I have been trying to 2.5 months) is not working. There is significant growth and spread of the tumors we knew about, and new tumors appeared and are already pretty big. All in a few months.

No other way to say it, but it's pretty sucky news. Well, there are other ways to say it but I try to retain some decorum even in times like these. My dad was a sailor, I do know plenty of alternate ideas of what could be said. ;)

It's not a surprise really. I know how I've been feeling. And those feelings have been consistently not well, persistent and increasing. I went into the appointment fairly resigned with my expectations of some growth and changes in negative way, but the news surpassed my expectations. Sigh.

Perhaps the most difficult part of this is knowing my options are becoming increasingly limited. I've now failed the top two drug treatment options available to me. Next up is a third tier of the same type, and expectations of that working are extremely slim.

For now we are going to try for a clinical trial. Referring to that a Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale to see if I qualify. Not sure if I have the right makeup that they will even try, but we will apply and see if it's a fit. If that doesn't work, there's the possibility of trying some immunotherapy combined with another drug on another trial, but again it's a bit of a Hail Mary because it doesn't offer a lot of known success.

At this point we take this information, digest it and look to whatever options are available to me. Perhaps there's some of those "out there" things I might give another look and more concerted effort on my own. This isn't a point of "I give up" at all. There's much more fight left to give, and I plan to give it. But these are the moments when you take a deep breath and allow the reality to wash over you a bit and process what it means. We'll get this next step figured out and give it all we've got.

In the meantime I still feel good most of the day. Good enough to do some work, spend time with family, go on a date with my wife and her parents tonight, and keep making great memories. In other words, there's still life to live and I intend to live it.

What does this mean for the future? That's a tough question to answer today. It shortens the view. Things are growing very fast and already having impact. I really don't know, and I don't think anyone can give me a clear answer on that. We'll take it a day at a time and keep making plans for great things. We'll keep leaning on that footing in hope and stretching out as far as we can.

Today's photo idea is courtesy of a discussion with my friend Faxon after my post yesterday. His concept that if we allow our rearview mirror to dominate our view, how can we see at all where we are going and navigate what's ahead. We can't focus on the past, especially the negative of even the recent past to obstruct our view of what lies ahead. So today that's what I resolve to do once again. Thanks for the good thought Fax.