It’s a Hill, Get Over It

I really hadn’t planned on writing anything today, but as I sit in the room with Taylor at the rehab facility while he rests after a morning of care and therapy I have a few minutes to share some updates and random thoughts. Writing like this still is a cathartic process, something I still do fairly frequently to some extent on my own and never post. Many remain in my head as streams of thought never written out, perhaps best kept as running dialogs that I work through on my own as I try to process events. Facebook doesn’t show these “Notes” to all that many people lately, and publishing on a Friday midday isn’t ideal. But here we are.

If I’m being honest, these last couple of weeks have been tough. That should probably be in all caps. But as I mentioned in a previous post, I’m often reticent to share hardships because it seems like that’s all I’ve been sharing of late. But this is life, and sharing things honestly is the only way I know how.

Taylor finally needing to be in the hospital, the care through that time and now in a skilled care facility to continue to work on his physical and occupational therapy has been pretty much all consuming for the family. Heather and I have traded shifts managing morning, afternoon and evening along with his skilled care to try and bring him back to a baseline that enables him to return home safely and capable. So many have offered to help, and we are grateful, but most of this really is best served by our efforts. We’re getting there, and Taylor is making small improvements.

In our family “heath update” group text message (yes, we have one of those sadly for multiple reasons!) I said he willingly ate breakfast which doesn’t sound like much but this is the first time since going into the hospital he has done that. He’s making progress in steps, though resisting all along the way. He’s tried to convince everyone he can’t stand and all physical effort should be made by others. He is awake and alert all day and receiving that gentle nudge of therapy in different ways. He came back from morning physical therapy and they happily reported he not only did much better than yesterday, but he even smiled for them which was rewarding for both therapists. I completely understand. Taylor smiles and even the once in a blue moon laughter are highlights for our family.

It’s been taxing on us all, but we’re managing mostly because we’re a family that’s familiar with relying on each other and pushing through. It’s not the first obstacle we’ve faced, though we’ve faced much more than the norm this year, and we always find a way through. I’m most focused on wanting to make sure my sweet wife finds some respite when needed. She’s been so diligent going to work, then taking the late afternoon to evening shift with Taylor. Long days on repeat. It feels much closer to getting there though.

I’m reminded of the sign at mile 96 of the century ride I just completed. Instead of letting us coast into town, the course designer threw in another few miles of hills right at the end with a directional sign that said “It’s a hill, get over it!” Just like I did then, sometimes life requires you to just shake your head, give a bit of a laugh and dig in a bit more in order to plow through what’s happening. We’re still on a climb, but we are spinning those pedals and in low gear making the ascent.

This is Me Fighting

The photo on the post today was just me feeling like I needed a determined self shot today. Show a little of my “No Shave November” salt and pepper. I don’t like wearing facial hair typically and rarely grow more than a few days before shaving, but this year the purpose behind the No Shave movement seemed particularly fitting. So bring on the scruff.

My respite has been to continue to fit in the fitness efforts where I can. With it getting cold that is primarily spin class, some at home body weight and weight lifting exercises, and on Friday hot yoga. I’ve repeatedly shared that I find so much benefit from these efforts physically and mentally that I can’t see not getting out and doing something. Just to be crystal clear, that doesn’t mean it’s easy though.

This morning was especially hard. As in really, really tough.

Hot Yoga (Bikram) is always a challenge. I know to some they probably get far along in their practice to find a rhythm and ease to it. I know last year I felt a bit more that way. It’s always exhausting to me and pushes me to some limits, but I relish that. Today was just plain hard. It’s been building all week though. I found myself nearly passing out on almost every pose, getting dizzy with my heart rate and breathing elevated. Some of the harder poses I had to take a break on the second iteration. I push myself, but I’m also careful and willing to admit when I need to dial it back.

After class it took awhile to recoup but after some rehydration and cooler air I regained a better overall feeling. But to be frank, it’s not an isolated thing. I’ve been on the new chemo almost 2 weeks now, and I’m feeling it. Fatigue, aches, pains, elevated blood pressure and more are all kicking in. The side effects were going to happen, but there’s always that little hope that I can be the exception. You know, from all that effort I should get a pass on some things, right?!

No, I’m reminded of my human-ness frequently, and now once again.

There are a few things that have me more concerned that I need to see the doc about. A sharp pain in my side over the last week where the primary tumors have been present. Like a constant stitch in the side if you’ve run too hard and pushed your lungs. Like that, but it doesn’t stop. Under the ribs and I can push and feel it shift and intensify. You gotta remember when you are dealing with cancer - or any major illness I’d expect - every little change or new pain carries worry and significance. What does it mean? Is this bad? On the what if side of things, is it maybe the tumor getting beat up by the drugs? Next week I’ll get an appointment with the oncologist and see what he has to say. Likely we just keep with the current treatment and wait for enough time to pass to scan again and see if this is doing any good. I can deal with pain and discomfort if I think it’s doing some good.

While focusing on Taylor I’ve been fortunate that my current life upheaval has me somewhat flexible with my time. I’ve been attempting to freelance to contribute to our family’s needed income, and it’s been ok. This has allowed me to take a good portion of the day to participate in Taylor’s care and direct the professionals involved. You have to be your own advocate when it comes to medical care. That said, I’ll be honest that it’s taken a hit my earning abilities to be sidetracked once again. It’s only through the generosity of so many previously when it came to my surgery and recovery that has allowed us to continue to operate in this way. Again, thank you to so many. We’re still getting by and making it work.

These are the things that run through my mind on a regular basis. Not just daily, but near constantly. I’ve put it aside during this time that Taylor needs to be the focus, but it’s there. It’s part of the new reality, but it can also be toxic to dwell too much on it. So for the most part I push it aside and do my best to just work with what needs to be done, then take some time to deal with the health and other needs as time allows.

Life Is Good, Just Not Always Pretty

So while I started writing intending to just share an update, this feels a bit downtrodden. It’s not. We’re very fortunate in so many ways and continue to count our blessings. We continue to have hope in my treatment that it will be right for me and continue to extend and improve quality of life. Taylor is getting better each day, and we hope to have him home perhaps as soon as sometime next week. Our other kids are standing tough and showing some great self-sufficiency while they get second and third seat to the pressing priorities, and we’re grateful for the friends and neighbors that have adopted them at times into their family and activities.

Life definitely isn’t always pretty, and this year has been proof positive of that. And yet in the midst of the storm, there are often some of the most beautiful views available if you take a moment to look and appreciate them. As a photographer a little bit of weather is what makes a boring scene come to life and gain so much. So we’ll take the unpretty aspects of life and use them to appreciate the beauty we do have, and especially all those involved in this crazy adventure with us.