Yet Another CT Scan

Deja vu all over again? Yep, I'm back with an hour to drink the elixir of hospital imaging and get my next dose of too much radiation in the interest of seeing what we see inside me. It's been an interesting week waiting for this hospital visit to finally arrive. After finding out pathology failed to get me the mutation report, it adds a whole new level of anxiety and dread about what this scan might show. We are 2.5 months post surgery, so we would hope that there is no visible growth yet. The purpose of this scan is a post surgery baseline to which future scans can be compared. One would hope, but there are definitely no guarantees here.

These are the kind of things that run through my mind whenever I let myself sit and ponder, chewing through the emotions and the what ifs. Not being on a treatment right now adds to the fear. What if this advised time off of any treatment is going to lead to a more rapid return of tumor growth? As I read up on others with my cancer type in a support group, clean and healthy living alone isn't going to cut it. Is a "poison" required in my system to keep this mutant at bay, or is it some other more holistic or diet alteration that's going to do it? I have no idea, and what to try next is just so difficult to determine. Sure, lots of things sound like what some non-credentialed source will tell you is the way to go, but for my specific situation, there's no data to say it'll do anything at all.

So this morning my answer to all this was to get therapy. Yep, my favorite two wheel variety.

I find my mind works best thinking through the tough stuff when I’m active. Not just busy, though that helps distract me from the thoughts and fears of the moment, but physically active is the best way to get things working in my head. When my body is pushing, my heart rate high and my breathing labored, somehow it frees up my mind to wander through a branching path of thoughts and concerns. I can tackle the difficult barriers and they seem no longer insurmountable. Or if they just don’t seem to have a viable answer, at least I can find the motivation and positive attitude to keep pushing against the problem and gain something from the situation.

I hesitate to share some of the frustrations and emotions like I did in my last post. Usually by the time I’m writing I’ve figured out what’s next and found some lesson or concept around which I can manage the emotions. Getting a framework on which to place things is part of my way of handling it all, and by which I hope to give it structure and work toward a solution. But that’s not always possible, and if I’m going to be honest and forthcoming in sharing this journey, I figure it’s of value to share it all. So yes, it’s downright frustrating right now to not have a clear answer of what to do now with my treatments to try and battle this cancer.

And yet, that doesn’t change my overriding attitude. I still try to push in every respect to live life to it’s fullest and figure out the best pathway through this journey. When I voice some frustration I don’t view it as a moment of weakness. Those emotions are real and a part of the process. It’s what we do next that matters. It’s ok to feel every aspect of what these challenges entail, then grab onto the horns and take that bull for a ride. That’s how I choose to handle the trials at least.

Mostly this week I’ve felt especially grateful for everyone that has helped and supported my family and me through this process. The generosity of so many has allowed me to focus on my recovery and the ongoing process required through this surgery and following processes. I’m grateful for those that have recently started hiring me for photo shoots again and freelance work that has helped me work while still spend the time with my physical recovery and prioritize family time. I’m grateful most for my family that continues to be patient and supportive while I do all this as well. It’s a process that continues, and will continue indefinitely. A new normal.

And while some things will feel like deja vu as we repeat testing, doctors and appointments, just being able to do those things at all is a good sign that we are still in the fight. So we show up every time, every day and keep fighting, because that’s what we do. That’s what I choose to do, and I hope you do too.