This IS My Therapy

My last couple of updates have been centered around the happenings (or lack thereof) in my latest efforts to get updates around my cancer. That’s going to be an ongoing process in so many ways and is a significant part of my life. Of course it is. That said, most of my day is usually spent trying hard to do anything but think about cancer and all that it means. Most days it’s more about…life.

Keeping healthy, being active, trying to get back to working consistently again, spending time with family and handing duties around the house. You know how it is. When you have adversity it tends to steal your focus and dominate your thinking, that is, until you find a way to either solve the problem or distract yourself long enough to think about other things too.

Storytime

Since my surgery I’ve been increasing my time spent and capability to get back into cycling like I did before getting sliced and diced. It’s been a process to regain strength, endurance, and confidence, but I can feel the improvement steadily in every respect. I recognize I’m still limited in some of the things I can do, there are physical aspects of recovery that pop back up at times and remind me I can’t do everything. My core is still weak and when I push it too hard I’ve pulled my abdominal muscles and created pain that I just can’t ignore. It be from the dumbest things too, like jumping to catch a aerobee (like a frisbee) on vacation. That’ll make you feel like an old fart when you pull a muscle getting a few inches off the ground “jumping.”

Several seeks ago I was cycling on a longer ride, feeling confident and a desire to reach further and push myself to do a little more. This is usually driven by a desire to not only do more physically, but mentally to push my limitations and show myself I can do more. I have my typical routes I ride and walk, and getting back into those has been a significant part of my recovery efforts.

One of those routes is to jump on the Murdock Canal Trail and head south. That day I decided I was going to continue up the Provo Canyon and enjoy a longer ride that included Bridal Veil Falls. This is a nice spot, not only for the view, but also represents a milestone distance that early in my newfound love of cycling. The first time I biked this far was a kind of epiphany for me; a time when I realized “Hey, I can do this.” So that day I decided it was time to reach that distance again post surgery.

And I did. And frankly while it was hard, it wasn’t that hard if that makes sense. It took effort, but it was familiar in that kind of way where you know if you just keep pushing forward and making the effort, you’ll get there. When I arrived as it was a Saturday it was busy with people. I don’t mind that at all really, and I stepped of the bike and walked over to take a break and enjoy the waterfall with the others taking it in. With kids splashing, parents watching and plenty of people enjoying the outdoors, a couple of older ladies also with bikes nearby approached me with phone outstretched in hand and asked if I’d take their photo. Happy to of course.

At times like this I am reminded that I have a bit of my dad in me. I know that’s obvious, but what I mean is while I’m not usually the type to just make small talk I tend to strike up a conversation with others who are enjoying something in common. As we chatted about the beautiful day and scenery around us, they asked where I’d biked and suggestions of where they might continue their riding in coming days. They were visitors to the area so I pointed out some directions and ideas. When I explained I’d come some distance and planned to do quite a bit more, they more about why I was riding so much. Funny how conversations always seem to segue into health, active life and of course cancer these days. It was a fun conversation and I shared a little bit of myself situation. I do get a bit of pleasure out of telling people how recently I’ve had surgery and yet I’m out putting in some good miles. Not just feeding me ego, it’s a confidence boost for myself that I’m on the right path metaphorically and literally. When talking about this one of them asked “are you doing therapy?” meaning as part of my recovery. I enthusiastically replied:

“This is my therapy!”

It was one of those moments that once again resonated with me. Not that I coined that phrase for the first time, but when I said it, it made sense. I’ve since said that a few times when posting little story updates during rides because that’s truly how I feel. Getting out, being active, and simply doing something physical is therapy for me. It pushed my body to rebuild. I feel the rush of endorphins and completely exhausted after a long effort. I can feel muscles growing back where they have shrunk and points of weakness where attachments were cut and have scarred regaining strength. When I have setbacks, getting back out gets me pushing back in the right direction. But it’s even more.

I feel quite simply, alive.

And that’s perhaps what I enjoy the most. The ability to keep living life with an active effort reminds me that I’m not just a cancer patient. I’m not just recovering from a major surgery with the prospect of even more cancer fight ahead of me. In this day, and in this moment I’m enjoying a healthy effort and living. And in many ways there’s no better place I’d like to do that than outdoors being active in some fashion. Whether it’s riding a bike, walking the dog, hiking with my family, it’s a good thing. Being active physically truly is my therapy.

When I’m active and my body is engaged, my mind is free to chew through current events, adversity and good ideas. I let the free flow of thought take whatever course it’s going to take. It’s during this time I have my best thoughts and process the hard stuff in a way that when I’m done with my activity makes dealing with it all seem attainable. While the situation and hardship hasn’t changed, my attitude toward it is usually several degrees better.

So yes, I’m in therapy. Physical, mental, emotional and all kinds of therapy. How well it’s doing in some of those fronts is still a work in progress, but I’m enjoying the process and making the most of each day I’m given. Hopefully you are too.