Actively Recovering

The other day I filled out a survey from the hospital where I had my surgery. It was a rather thorough one that felt a bit more like I was taking a multi part, fill in the bubble test with several pages of questions. Someone is doing their research…or at least asking the questions in enough ways to make sure they get the positive answers they are looking for if they ask it enough times.

There was one question that asked, “How is your overall health.” This made me laugh considering I just had a major surgery at their facility. Uh, if I was in good health, would I be at your place? I guess it could have asked, other than what we saw you about, how’s your health? I think that’s what they were really asking. So I told them I’m in great health, other than having lost weight and muscle mass in recovery, still feeling pain throughout my abdomen, and, you know, still having cancer.

If that sounds negative, it’s not. That’s just me remembering this fight isn’t over.

It’s Been 5 Weeks!

When it I was just a few weeks post surgery, it felt amazing to be getting better pretty quickly. I could say to people “Hey, I’m only three weeks post surgery and feeling pretty darn good considering.” Then when I hit the fourth week, suddenly it felt like “Wow, I’m already a month after my surgery. Shouldn’t I be feeling better?” I had in my head that I was going to write a new update at exactly one month after surgery and talk about all the progress made in that time, but then on that day I was feeling crappy and a little down as a result.

Heading into surgery I was told to expect a solid 5-6 weeks recovery time at home, and I think that was pretty spot on. These doctors, they may not have it all figured out, but they’ve been down this road before. At five weeks I’m getting through most days with a full schedule and doing quite a bit, yet still needing some down time in-between physically taxing activities for some rest and reboot. Half the time I think it’s more my cancer brain that needs a reboot even more than the body. Or is that old brain syndrome?

At two weeks the staples came out and I was left with a bunch of steri-strips down my incision. The last of those finally fell off yesterday. So I should be healed, right?!

Really though there are days when I think I should just be getting back into “normal” life because while I’m still healing, I can get up and function with most tasks other than something that’s going to tax my abdomen which still has a lot to heal on the inside. I have aches and pains throughout my neck, shoulders and back due to the physical changes from being forced to keep still so long and still feeling issues from the pre-surgery bicycle wreck in those areas. So yes, still a long road ahead trying to heal up these physical issues.

On a side note, I need to apologize for not getting the t-shirt order processed and shipped. That’s entirely on me. I had some late orders, then with some ups and downs on how I’ve felt I simply haven’t gotten the final orders together and to the printer. That will happen this week no matter what. I need to get those done and to all of you that supported me so kindly!

Healing Through Activity

I just can’t sit around. We all know what it’s like to go a bit stir crazy after doing nothing for too long. I’ve read a bunch of books and I’ve napped on the back deck for more hours than I’d like to admit. While I know I need to rest and allow my body to heal, healing also comes from getting back in motion. Of course I really haven’t ever just been sitting around. From Day 2 in the hospital I was getting up and walking, wearing a course doing laps around the hallways and getting comments from the nurses stations.

In the last couple of weeks I decided to get back on my bicycle and see how it felt. I gotta push the limits a little and see what my body can do. I’m being smart about it and taking precautions to be safe, but it’s time to #GoBeyond again and step it up. Heather and I went on a slow, reasonable ride on the local trail and it felt…great. While I had to lean hard into my hands to take pressure off of my abdomen, it was something I could do, and I knew it was time to get back in the saddle again.

So from that time forward I’ve ridden three times a week again. Everything was much harder at the outset, with my breathing and heart rate elevated and muscles that screamed back in protest. Yes, I’m riding with care and slower around those corners to make sure we are not repeating a crash that could undo the internal stitching in a bad way. I pay a price with each ride coming back to a sore gut and in need of a nap, but it feels worth it in every way. The outdoor therapy is already paying dividends physically and mentally. This is the #x4ever and #ichoosetolive mentality I’ve embraced from before my diagnosis and will always continue.

My active heart rate is dropping again and my stamina increasing. My core muscles are slowly responding, although they need much more work in other ways to rebuild. I’m starting to feel less like I need to collapse after each subsequent ride. This all tells me I’m on the mend. Plus going out riding with friends is always a good bonus for some good conversation and keeping each other accountable to get out and work.

These last couple of days I got some alternative treatment on my back and neck that will hopefully help. It was expensive and offers no guarantees, but I’m hoping it will make a difference where other attempts have failed. The separated shoulder has been misaligned as have parts of my neck causing the other shoulder to hurt…a lot and all the time. This morning it still hurts, but I’m hoping given a few days for the adjustments to settle in I will be getting better. I’m ready to be working past that constant pain.

What’s Next? A.K.A. The Big Nothing

Inevitably the conversations lately steer into asking what’s next. Are you cancer free now? How long until you have to start treatment again? What is the treatment going forward? What are you doing with your life?

All good questions. I wish I had clear answers.

It feels like we are in this big void of knowledge right now. We still haven’t received any information on a mutation report, so I don’t have the info I need to do further personal research if anything out there is possible. I’m still waiting to hear if they have done any searches for clinical trials that might apply. I’m still not on any drug treatment again post surgery while we wait on all this info. It feels like the “Nothingness” in The Never-ending Story” where it’s just a bunch of…nothing.

Every day as I end up talking to someone about what we don’t know, what that means or what we speculate as to what it means, it just makes me wonder. Without being on a specific treatment, is that cancer still in my flourishing? If I’m not doing something with my diet or supplementation that might have impact on it, is the cancer growing unchecked as a result? That’s probably the most troubling for me, wondering if this time and quality of life I’m having as a result of the surgery is going to be short unless I can find the next thing I should be doing to try and fight. Fight for time, and fight for life.

This week I have new doctor appointments, so I hope to know more in a few days. That’s mostly why I haven’t written in the last couple of weeks more than anything, because I just haven’t had anything new of significance to share. I always want to be sharing a new direction, new information, or at least a new milestone worth writing about. Some days I need to remember that having a day filled with life, family, and some positive activity can be worth sharing. And living those days is a good thing.

So for now, I’m back in the saddle and enjoying the journey. I’m loving getting active again and hope to do so much more of it in the coming weeks. I need to not only rebuild my legs and lungs, but also my upper body to help alleviate some of the aches and pains. I’m starting to get back on the computer and do some tasks and getting productive. We’ve been rearranging some things, selling our truck and planning to sell a camp trailer, my motorcycle (sad day) and some other items to downsize and go in new directions. These sales are being reinvested into a smaller vehicle that better fits some of our different family needs now.

Mostly, life is continuing on as it does. I feel myself being pulled back into some sense of normalcy despite still not back into a normal every day life. Still not sure what the future looks like in terms of my work days, health wise when treatments of some kind resume, and what I’ll be capable of doing in the coming weeks and months. But I do know it will be substantially different in a number of ways, and it will be good. No matter what the path is I need to take, I plan to charge ahead and again and make the most of each and every day.

For that there is no question, because I choose to live.