I Still Choose To Live

It’s been a bit of a crazy week. On Tuesday I was writing my thoughts while sitting in the waiting room drinking contrast solution leading up to my next CT scan. Going into it, I knew things were not going in a good direction. The scan had been moved up because I haven’t been feeling well with increased fatigue, digestive pain and so on. So while I could hold out hope that some positive would show up on the scan, I sure wasn’t having any strong expectations. I’ll get to the latest little bit of news later in the post.

If You Ride, You’re Going to Crash

As some of you may have seen in my post yesterday, I had a tumble on my cycling ride yesterday. It kinda sucked in so many ways.

The ride up to that point was glorious. Beautiful sunny day, not too hot, and a trail that was riding fast with a bit of a tailwind going out. I knew that was going to mean extra effort coming home, but I didn’t care. The open air, speed and physical effort were just what I wanted and needed. I like to call it my two wheel therapy.

I turned around about 15 miles out, which is up west of the point of the mountain area on the Jordan River Parkway. Coming back was definitely more work, but I’ve grown to embrace that exertion as a sign that I still have the power to apply effort and overcome. It’s a mental as well as physical engagement for me.

There’s a little down and up on the Murdoch Canal Trail in Highland everyone refers to as the Gravel Pit winding sharply downhill then back up. It’s kind of fun, but you have to slow it down and then work hard. I made it down and was hitting the corner with a little speed to carry momentum into the climb. I leaned into the corner only to complete lose traction on both wheels. The bike gave way…and the asphalt did not. My knee hit first, then I twisted over the bike landing solidly on my shoulder. Man that hurt.

I’ll be honest, in that moment it hurt a lot more mentally than physically. All at once I realized in this effort to train my body and health as hard as I can for what’s coming, this injury was going to interfere with that. I sat down and just let the emotions wash over me. After awhile I picked myself up and limped up the hill calling my wife for a rescue along the way.

I posted the photos about it yesterday while I waited for my ride, probably sounding more pitiful than I intended but I was feeling pretty crappy about it. Nice to see all the well wishes from so many. There were a few friends that chimed in “hey, if you ride, you’ll eventually crash. It’s going to happen.”

Jerks.

I’m kidding of course. And you know, they’re totally right. You get out there and do things like riding and eventually something will happen. But that doesn’t keep you from doing it of course, you just try to lessen the risk and protect against the worst.

This morning I was pondering on that a bit and realized that was a good summary of life. You get out and actually LIVE your life, you’re going to have times in which you crash. Things will go wrong, some things will cause you pain, but you still get out there and live life to it’s fullest. And if you don’t, you should.

So thanks for that reminder that a crash is just part of the process of enjoying life and getting out there doing things that make life fuller.

The Cancer Update

One of the craziest aspects of this ongoing journey, battle, adventure or whatever you’d like to call it is the amount of time spent waiting on more information. I’m sure there are plenty of cancer situations where you move fast because things are developing at alarming speeds. In my case it seems to be a lot of hurry up and wait. I guess in many ways I should count that a blessing. But when you’re waiting on scan results and the review by the experts you rely on, it can be agonizing slow at every step.

Leaving the hospital I had a disc of the scan in hand. See, I’m that kind of geek and interested in seeing the results directly myself so that I go right to the radiology desk and request a disc. I headed to work and let it sit on my desk for an hour. Mixed emotions. I wanted to see the latest status, but I really didn’t want to confirm what I already knew. So I put it off, even if just for an hour. Borrowing a disc drive I popped it in and pulled up the images.

Yeah, it’s what I expected.

I could see right away that things looked the same or worse. Definitely not better. I was looking closely around the stomach for any possible improvement. Some little indication that the tumor had receded from some portion of the stomach. But it was pretty easy to see it hasn’t. For those so inclined, here’s an animation of one view from the scan.

via GIPHY

I added a little pause with some labels to help, but basically the white areas are digestive and show up because of the contrast solution, the lighter grey are organs, the darker grey areas are tumor mass. It’s a bit of an oversimplification, but you’ll get the idea. There’s one big mass, but other areas surround the gut with tumor presence.

See those tendrils all around the stomach. Yeah that’s no bueno along with plenty of other intrusion. My oncologist called end of day Thursday and confirmed my suspicions. The radiologist report said things had grown, a new mass in front of the kidney/spleen area had grown significantly and quicker than in the past. So definitely not better.

I’ve still not heard anything back from the surgical oncologist. She’s really who we need to hear from to get her take not the scan. Four months ago she said she could do the surgery but suggested we try another stretch to get even a little more benefit from the Gleevec. Now that it doesn’t look like that’s happening, I’m left to wonder if she feels the same about the aggressive surgery required to remove the tumor(s). And there’s the reminder from my doc and others that while this surgery has the potential to provide good benefit despite the significant cost to my other organs, it’s not a cure. Because of the spread and invasion throughout the gut, undoubtedly there will be cancer cells left behind. Whether they were not found or unresectable, I will still have cancer.

I won’t be in remission, really ever.

I’ll likely continue on the Gleevec (or similar) after the surgery to attempt to help suppress remaining cancer growth, but due to the resistant mutations obviously already present in my body, it’ll be an uphill battle to put it lightly. But the upside here is surgery, should we choose to go that route, is a decisive action that will hopefully buy me many more quality years with my family and loved ones. And we keep fighting for more of that in whatever ways we can.

I Still Choose To Live

So while we continue to wait for the additional information and advice to make decisions on the next phase I’m reminded that all of this is part of the choice to live. Yes, that means fighting to survive and do whatever I can do to live a longer life. That also means we choose to live each day as a gift and to it’s fullest. Some days that means just getting to work and doing the routine that is required of us to support our family. But that also means choosing to make small adventures, to have real conversations, to make time for those people that matter most. I choose to make sure those I love know that I am continuing to make that choice and put forward the effort in every way possible. I may crash here and there and experience some setbacks along with the good experiences, but I’d rather have those because I chose to live.

I really have no idea when all this is going to come to pass until I get more information, but I expect it will be soon. With that in mind, I think I might be writing updates a little more frequently. If you happen to want to keep up on things, be sure to comment here and there so Facebook decides to let you see the posts. Plus, I really do appreciate every one of you and your positive interactions.

I’m also working on some ideas with friends about involving others that I’ll share soon. I’m anticipating once the decision in made, when the surgery takes place and the long recuperation after is going to be some difficult times. Writing and sharing this with others has been a great help for me, and I appreciate everyone that has reached back and offered how some of it has helped them as well.