It's About Time

I’d be remiss if I didn’t take some time to write today. I’ve been finding it hard to sit down and make more than a few notes lately despite having many writings taking place in my mind during quiet moments. Sometimes it feels like I’ve written something, but then I realize that was only my internal thoughts and pondering.

I intended to write back around Thanksgiving and talk about being thankful. Because frankly I have much to be thankful for. Around Christmas I was thinking through thoughts of how this year was a bit reduced from years past out of necessity, and that was just fine. For the new year I had many thoughts of writing about my desires to achieve in the upcoming year, and what it may take to get there. But all those writings never really became finished in a way I felt were worth sharing.

This last week I was traveling again for a bit working on a photo trip. I always enjoy the adventure of going places, the long days and heavy workload, and the great people on the crews I get to work with. It’s rewarding in all those ways, but also it’s a break from the routine that gives me the opportunity to think a little more on the state of my life and how I feel about things.

This week is kind of a big one, but in many ways it’s just another step in the process.

Many of you know this week is finally another CT scan to take a look at that alien inside me. Up until now I only have two data points on my graph so to speak. When we started and four months into treatment. And while that four month mark showed some good signs, it’s now another eight months later and really anything could be happening. Frankly we just don’t know until we take a look.

The oral chemo I take every day is a slow, deliberate treatment designed to interfere with the growth of the tumor. I feel very fortunate that a specific drug exists for my rare cancer type. And yet, it’s really my only option other than the surgery we hope it enables sometime soon. Gleevec will never cure my cancer. In fact, the reality is I’ll likely “have” cancer the rest of my life, however long that may be. The goal here is to mess with the beast, causing it to shrink back away from all it’s infiltration of my innards, then go in and cut it out.

This scan is going to be telling in terms of whether we are getting closer to that possibility of surgery. But lots of possibilities exist right now. This scan does have me getting very little sleep this week. The anxiety is admittedly a bit higher than normal for obvious reasons. It’s anxiety about the unknown more than what the result may be.

The scan might show thinks have really shrunk back. If we are getting away from all the commingling with delicate small intestines, spleen and everything else around it. Then maybe we are getting close to surgery time.

The scan can also show shrinkage, but the sprawling tendrils of the tumor could still be reaching into dangerous areas. That could mean many more months or years of drug treatment hoping it continues to interfere with growth.

Another real possibility is the tumor will continue to mutate, including mutations that are resistant to the Gleevec I’m taking. Portions of the tumor could remain large or even grow or metastasize into other organs or areas of the body. The scan will be looking for any spread like that as well.

So looking ahead to the scan this week, while I remain hopeful that my healthy efforts combined with supplementation and the prescribed drug treatment have all been helping my body fight this cancer, I’m also trying to prepare myself for any possibility. No matter what the scan shows, it’s just another step in the path that I’m taking and will continue to take wherever it leads me.

But of course that’s easier said than done sometimes.

We all know it’s tougher than that some days. Many days. I do continue to hit every day with optimism and energy. Rolling out of bed early, groggy yet determined to put in my fight. I work through each day trying to act as if everything is normal as it can be, because the reality is this is my normal now. Side effects and symptoms are just my current challenges in the battle we all know as life.

Physically I feel like I’m doing as much as I can without completely checking out of too much more of those everyday responsibilities. There are times when I really consider that I might need to dial back even more of life in order to focus on lowering stress and rebuilding health. There are cracks in the veneer that I may not share as often as the outward efforts, and those I continue to work on and consider where I might do more. Heather has challenged me to be more open about those struggles than perhaps I’ve been. We’ll see. I do try to be honest in sharing the highs and lows of this journey. I just perhaps need to get back in the habit of doing it a bit more often.

At times like this I recognize in myself how having cancer can make me become selfish, or just a bit self centered. Even though the initial sympathy of my diagnosis has long since passed, many still ask “how are you doing” as the main point of conversation. All difficulties in the family seem to be centered around beating cancer and survival. It’s easy to just focus on my own needs and how things are impacting me. But then I’m reminded of the value of service and looking outward and what can be done for others. Heather is a great example of this as despite having so much on her plate these days she still finds time to volunteer to sit with an elderly neighbor in the middle of the night for several hours while her fatigued husband goes early to bed once again. It can be tough to look outward though when there are so many needs of my own to fix what’s broken there first.

So for now, it’s business as usual. Get up each day and keep moving forward. Keep working out a couple hours to start the day. Keep doing my job both literally and figuratively hoping for the best in what is to come.

In a few days we’ll know a bit more, and then we’ll take it from there.