No News is Good News?

So once again it’s been a little while since my last confession…I mean writing. It’s not you, it’s me.

Not writing doesn’t mean I haven’t had things I think about or things I’d like too say, but I’ve found it tough at times to sit down and actually take the time to write really anything. I know being busy is a trite excuse to use, but seriously I’ve been busy. But then I can never be truly honest unless I admit some procrastination in my nature. I think about doing things, then somehow my mind finds valid reasons to put other tasks at a higher priority. It’s a little sad though because I do find value in writing out my thoughts even if just for myself.

What’s been happening since my last note? Let’s see, a little bit of business travel, presenting my journey at the Organo annual convention, lots of photo work, change of employment situation, Heather started her full time teaching job, Spencer when to college, Allison turned 16 and started that chapter, learned my Uncle was nearing the end of his health battle, and oh yeah I’m still fighting the cancer battle too. So yeah, just a few things going on in life on top of the daily circus.

It’s been a bit of an emotional and physical popcorn popper in a way. I almost said grinder, but the air popper seems more fitting. Things getting bounced around and sometimes exploding. But when those little kernels explode, they can reveal some yummy goodness? Too much of a reach? Maybe.

The biggie for me was the change of jobs starting this last week. While I’m still partially employed at my old place, my primary focus has been making a transition to new projects and ended up landing a position with a place called SQRD Media. Good folks I’ve known for awhile in a small but rapidly growing agency atmosphere. It’s exciting if a little anxiety driving to take the risk of joining a startup at this point, but the positive momentum and energy is definitely something I can use in my life right now. I’m doing much of the same things, which involved wearing many hats and simply getting things done, which is where I flourish. With a week of hectic efforts to transition while still clearing my plate of a bunch of responsibilities behind me, I’m feeling very good about the decision and direction. The heavy lifting is still ahead, but the right team is being assembled.

Cancer. Yeah, it’s still there, at least as far as I know. See since the first scan after starting treatment in April it’s a whole lot of just following the plan and hoping for the best. I get asked all the time how things are looking and my honest answer is “I have no idea.” I know how I feel on a day to day and week to week basis, but as to whether it’s working we really won’t know until we do another scan. The hangup here is three fold. First, they don’t like to do these scans often because a CT scan involves a lot of radiation. Not a good thing at any time as radiation can lead to more problems. Second is these scans are expensive, so let’s not do them frivolously. Third, and perhaps most important, the doc would like to wait long enough to see some measurably difference. This drug I’m on isn’t known to work fast. With a big tumor like mine, it’s gonna take awhile.

Last visit the doc said let’s talk about when we take another look. I’ve been trying very hard every visit to work on my patience and not be the one to bring it up. But now there is a wrinkle. With my job change I’ve changed insurance. Now we are exclusively on Heather’s work insurance, which while good, it’s a new year for that so therefore a new deductible and max out of pocket to hit. Ouch. That’s some moola. So there’s some strategy involved in juggling the way my drug treatment payments happen that help knock down the deductible before I go for a scan, so the scan is delayed until December. But on the bright side, we have a target time frame for the next scan. And when the anxiety will kick in.

Yeah, I admit I get a bit anxious for the scans now. I want this to work. I NEED this to work. Maybe it’s a fear of failure I’ve always had, but on steroids. Or on some kind of drugs or supplements because goodness knows I’m taking enough of them. So far I have two data points, where I started and where I was in April. While I can draw a line between those two points that’s not enough to show a trend. I really want to see something good.

My actual chart of what I view as the important numbers from my regular checkups. You can zoom in for details if you really care to see.

Admittedly I’m kind overdoing it on the tracking and charting things since this all began. I log all my important data points from my blood work each month and make charts out of each one. This way I can appease my visual learner needs and I can look for trends to address. That’s where I see my blood pressure dropping (not in a good way) and spikes in other numbers to ask the doc about. I see his little bit of a smirk kick in each visit when I talk about my “Google MD” efforts based on what I’m noticing about health and seeking his expert advice. He tells me it’s a good thing I’m so involved in my treatment and he wishes more of his other patients would do the same. Is that the doctor version of patting me on the head like a good pupil?

This last visit he had a med student when him and we had a good takeaway. He was doing a little more history on my situation for her benefit and we talked through my health and fitness efforts a bit. He then asked if would be ok if he showed her where my tumor was by having me on the table to palpate the area. Sure, I’m an open book. I get up on there and he starts searching for “the spot.” Only this time…he can’t find it. Nothing to show because he can’t find any mass at least in a tactile sense. Talk about a feel good moment.

Wahoo, right!? That doesn’t mean the tumor is gone, but I’ll take it as a possible positive. Perhaps it means it’s just not solid enough to be felt, but that means it’s getting beat up and shrinking, which is exactly what we want. I guess we’ll find out in December.

I continue to have lots of thoughts I explore to keep myself motivated and on plan when it comes to my health and fitness. That includes both my physical and mental health when it comes to this battle. Day to day and week to week it feels like I’m on a constant rollercoaster. Some days just absolutely suck from treatment related fatigue, digestive issues, and whatever else. Other days feel just fine and normal, at least as normal as things can be these days. My goal is to just keep those normal days outnumbering the sucky days. For the most part, that’s where I find myself winning.

At an event I was working this last week I saw this quote pulled up as part of a presentation. It resonated with me. I often get people commenting “I don’t know how you can do what you do” when talking about my healthy efforts suck as a strict diet or getting up early every morning to do something physical to start me day. What I do really isn’t anything special. In fact it’s pretty less than extraordinary. My effort is to simply be consistent and string together a continual effort of ordinary things done well, often and with as little interruption as possible. The change in lifestyle that is permanent is what I hope to be what saves me. And that’s what is truly hard in the long run. Sticking with it no matter what.

I just tell people now I have a little extra motivation.

And if that’s viewed as extraordinary, then I’ll take it. Hopefully it’s a reminder though that if I can do it, you can do it. Don’t wait until you have some extreme diagnosis or motivation. Make the change now.

Do the healthy things and make the better choices before you are forced to and it becomes harder to accomplish them. You’ll thank me now and later.