Not Just Tired, Exhausted

I am tired. Correction, make that exhausted. It's been a rough last month physically for me. Fatigue has been ever present and increasing from the drug treatment in a way beyond what I had previously been able to rebound from in a matter of days or a week. Somewhat of a roller coaster of ups and downs has been normal, so when I'm tired for a few days I consider it a recovery time from which I will bounce back soon.

This last several weeks that hasn't been the case. My friend James sometimes as “Are you winning?” by way of humorous greeting, and answering honestly for the last while I'd say, no, not really. Not in retreat, but fatigue has been winning some battles.

This is not to say I haven't still been trying. In fact I've been hitting some of the same marks in my fitness measurements, continuing with my routines to keep healthy and strong. Still well overall and continuing to get to bed early to try and recover. But despite all that effort, it's been harder to do the same things. I've been more tired, at times falling into bed early in the evening having to skip some family activities or do those extra hours of work I'd hoped to do.

Does that mean I'm down? Am I finally giving up the fight?

Not a chance.

I had a visit with my Oncologist yesterday explaining the extended difficulty with fatigue, sleep and other struggles. He said he could see it in my eyes. Gee thanks. My family has naturally puffy eyes, but apparently I'm wearing this fatigue right under each of them. We discussed a few options in terms of my patterns and pharmacological possibilities, mostly we agreed that part of this is the “new normal” I need to realize will be a regular thing. Despite doing phenomenally well when compared to others on this type of treatment, I'm going to have times when it is difficult for my body system. Mostly we are going to keep trying to make sure the quality of my sleep improves in order to address some of the fatigue.

I still take some pride in the fact that when they take my overall vital stats are very good, especially considering I'm undergoing what amounts to oral chemotherapy. Blood pressure was a little low this time, but resting heart rate still in the low 50s. My weight is holding well and my overall fitness is excellent.

My mother in law emailed the other day that she had bumped in to and visited with my previous mission president Keith Brimhall who asked why hadn’t written in awhile. It’s a fair question. I have tried to be committed to share the lows along with the highs and to write fairly frequently as a bit of an online journal of my journey. In think it’s always important to be raw and honest in sharing my trials, both for myself and for others to know that it’s not always easy. In fact it’s often hard and obstacles are part of the journey. I typically choose the path that plows right through the obstacles instead of trying to avoid them. I’m hard headed that way.

So in part this is a confession that I've simply been so tired that I haven't felt much to say or share. Life's been busy, but it's always busy. We all have those times when we have to choose to throw up the white flag or keep pushing ahead. I choose to push ahead, but sometimes it takes everything I've got to just move at a nominal speed. And sometime I have to remind myself that is ok. It's fine to just do the best we can as long as we are putting forth an effort we can call our best at that time.

This morning I was on my own for a scheduled cycling day. My friend and workout buddy Ken had early work obligations, so I was on my own. Normally I could have gone to spin class to find other friends and share in some accountability, but when I was setting the alarm last night I thought a little extra sleep and outside sounded like a much better plan.

6:15am rolled around and the alarm fired off a full hour later than normal. My previous night of sleep was terrible. I'm not sure if it was anxiety, but my mind was racing and I felt like I was awake more than I was asleep most of the night. With a fuzzy head I sat up and the first thought was, I can totally take this morning off. Just get more sleep. Yes, that sounds like a great idea.

Fortunately my wife was also getting up at the same time and the house was getting busy with kids getting ready for their various summer activities and work. I figured I might as well get up because my brain was going again. I need some outdoor therapy. Good for the mind, body and soul.

I was moving slow. I'd like to call it deliberate, but let's face it, I was a slug. But a determined slug. I'm going to ride and get in some physical effort to keep up the fight.

On the bike after a couple of miles my body began to awake, as it is prone to do once the endorphins kick in. I stopped to stretch and catch my breath after the initial hill that is part of my chosen route. Then on the Murdoch Canal Trail headed south I began to hit my stride. At about a 20 mph pace with a little headwind I was pushing a little harder than normal. My mind was mulling through the doctor's visit the previous day and the rough past month of fatigue. My determination began to increase. I started to ride harder and with more purpose. Angry even.

This. Will. Not. Beat. Me.

Harder and harder, I reached my planned distance to turn around at 800 N in Orem. I'm not done. I'm going further. I'm going beyond this morning to send my body, this tumor, and to myself a statement. I am determined to #GoBeyond because I believe in it. I strive for it even when it's not easy. I headed up the canyon and continued to push. Legs begging me to turn around I pushed forward even harder up the canyon incline until I reached Bridal Veil Falls.

The feeling of accomplishment and positive determination washed over me. I reached a new goal and distance I had avoided to this point. From my house to this place is about 17 miles. A smile crossed my face and I enjoyed a short conversation with a gentleman taking some photos and teaching his grandson the joy of photography.

Then I remembered, now I have to get back home. The further you go, the further it is to return. I'd only come halfway.



Fortunately coming out of the canyon is largely downhill, so those first few miles were some glorious pay off. Then back up a hill and onto the Canal Trail I continued my determined effort home. It went by fast. It's always a little quicker coming home, and despite feeling the fatigue encroaching back I pushed even harder. This is how I take on challenges. I push harder, longer and fall back on my WHY deep within to find new resources to draw on. This is the new me, and I will not be beat down by a "new normal" of hardship. Round trip ended up being 34.5 miles. A new personal best for me on a morning outing. I didn’t really have time for it this morning, but I made time for it.

I wanted to share this morning experience as it was a personal effort for myself to try and reset some thinking as well as physical determination. I don't know if this will change anything in the coming days and weeks, but regardless I'll do it again each day. I'll continue to do a little more and find ways to go beyond what is normal and comfortable in the current circumstances.

I came home and hastily got ready for the day as I was running late from my extended effort. I popped on for a few minutes of social media to see what was happening in the world to find a great message from a friend making public some of his recent efforts to reset his weight and health, attributing some of that motivation from my shared journey. I love those moments hearing that being open about my adventure and challenges gives a seed of inspiration to others. Thanks for sharing that my friend.

That's why I share these ups and downs, because my path isn't perfect, but it is mine to live and make the best of each day I'm given. Because I choose to live for myself, my family and for those I love.