When the Sympathy Fades

Finding out you have cancer is a shock. As in your world spins and everything you were thinking about the immediate future just came into question. What does your new future look like? How long will I live? What is going to change in my ability to work, do normal activities and how I feel? On and on the thoughts spin as you wait for a more detailed diagnosis and learn what that means.

Eventually you learn a bit more about your cancer, though there are always unknowns and educated guesses about your status. Maybe a stage three cancer if it started on the intestines or a stage four of it started in a lymph node. Has it spread to organs? We can't see anything definitive but it's still possible. Do you have the regular form of this cancer or a mutation. Will your tumor respond to the prescribed treatment? If not what's next? Is there a "next" option? The questions and worries never really end, but then it doesn't really change anything. You fight the fight regardless of where things stand, and do your best to keep living life to its fullest.

The outpouring of support, love, sympathy and suggestions at first is amazing and overwhelming, in an absolutely good way. Those close to you, friendly or associated in some specific common interest all recognize the life altering impact this disease has, and most have experienced the effects either first hand or with friends and family. We are caring, sympathetic and want to help when we can. Unaccustomed to being on the receiving end of such a wave of support and emotion, I have been touched deeply and amazed. Truly a complex ball of feeling that is hard to express in some words posted to a social media platform. All I seem able to typically say is thank you.

Though it's really only been a short few weeks, I've already seen the interactions evolve around this life event. It's not something you measure by some social metrics. If I don't get a certain number of likes, comments or shares, do people really care? Sounds pretty ridiculous I know, by how often do we wonder who is really reading or looking at what we have to say based on all that? The reality is, people have their own lives, their own struggles, their own joys.

What happens after the initial shock and sympathy slowly wanes? Life carries on.

The world doesn't revolve around me (or you)

Everyone's lives don't always revolve around my cancer, and that’s ok. Their lives didn't revolve around me and my emotions before, and they don't now. I know if I have a specific need and ask for help, people will be there with their support however they can. In the meantime, what else can they really do? The answer is the same as when no big illness is in the picture, just be a friend. That's what we all need, right? Yes. The answer is yes. I've watched as some people don’t know what to talk to me about after the first couple of times asking about the cancer or treatments. Don’t let it get awkward. Don't think you always have to ask "how are you doing?" every time we meet. If you sincerely want to know I'll tell you, and it's not always a bed of roses. I'm completely open about my situation, so we can talk the nitty gritty if that's what you want to know about. That's ok too. But you know what else I can talk about? Anything else. What are you doing? Current events. Whatever. Being healthy and an active lifestyle is still my primary focus and what I'm enjoying these days. Yeah, get me started on that topic and you might not get me to shut up. But it'll be a fun conversation, really.

How about your struggles or what you’re enjoying? Yeah a big fat tumor might be a little worse, but it doesn't always have to trump whatever you have going on that I might be able to help with or just listen to you about. Being human and helping others can be some of the best therapy around. Quit thinking about yourself and seeing someone else. That's been on my mind lately as well since I've been so much on the receiving end of late. I've been thinking a lot about how a life threatening disease or illness tends to make us a bit too focused on ourselves. We get so much attention over it, and a lot of people just talking about you. That feels good, and we tend to keep talking about whatever gets us more of that positive feedback. The same was true about my weight loss transformation. It was exciting and all the positive feedback was motivating, so I tended to talk about it even more. Sure we have a big new challenge that takes over much of our thoughts for a time, but it doesn't necessarily have to take over everything.

In my own family I think life demands we move on to some degree and deal with the day to day. Don't feel so great today from side effects? Sorry to hear that, but kids still have school, Heather is still student teaching full time, there's still church stuff, piano, girls acting events, choir performance, etc., etc. life goes on, and that's a good thing. They love me and will give me some slack when needed, but the rest of the time, suck it up buttercup.

Don’t worry, be happy

Don’t worry, be happy. Life is Good. There is so much in life to celebrate. All the good phrases really take on more meaning. They are mantras I am repeating to myself in quiet moments or as I look in my eyes in a mirror. We are often so good at offering advice to others but pretty poor at actually applying it to ourselves. I've tried to change that six months ago in my health and attitude when I committed to reboot my fitness, and now I'm trying to apply it even more with this new challenge.

If you have positive thoughts your tend to be positive about most things in life. If you entertain negative thoughts, the same is true that you will tend to be negative. You become what you think and talk about. I am choosing optimism and positivity in my outlook, and frankly it feels better. I'd like to think that the positive vibes and related endorphins of optimism ebb throughout my physiology to help my body in the fight.

This too shall pass

My elderly neighbor approached Heather and me today and said "Do you know I've had cancer and beat it six times?" How's that for a little reality check? He continued to share his thoughts on being positive, having faith and optimism, being active and healthy, and learning all you can to do your part to beat the cancer. Don't look past what you need to do, but also don't get so fixated on your current challenge to ignore the rest of your life. Amen.

Now I can't say with absolute surety I will be cured. There are factors out of my control. But knowing others have and I can beat this is motivation to be positive and optimistic about my future. We are still making plans. We are still making memories. We are still living life. I choose to live, and so can you.

Again I continue to sincerely love the concern, well wishes, prayers, good thoughts, good vibes. I appreciate it all. Don't stop. I'm sure there are days and times ahead when I'll need it more than others. I also just enjoy you and having a conversation. Even if it's just me writing out what's on my mind and knowing a few people might read and think about what I have to say. That’s what helps most.