A Dose of Reality

This week I've spent some time in perhaps some more melancholic thoughts. With the first CT scan after starting treatment now on the calendar I've been giving more mental cycles to what might be happening inside me. What might be coming in the future. What might happen if things just don’t go as we hope.

Many have approached me and shared their amazement at my positive given my situation. I appreciate those saying it. My typical response is "Well, what's my alternative?" Laced with a bit of humorous intent of course, but I really do feel that way. I can choose to be sad and bitter, or positive and optimistic. It sure feels a lot better.

I still have some of those days of course. Days when I just feel broken. Like a car that the mechanic knows all too well because it's in the shop too frequently. Like my body is failing me far too early in life. Days my mind feels just a bit foggier and my body just isn't functioning like it should.

Then after a little bit of self-pity and despair, I realize that's not getting me anywhere. So I pick myself back up and go do something more productive. Like go on a walk or ride the bike. Spend some time with my family. Or just get some project done. Because that sure feels better.

So this week wasn't one of feeling broken. More a week of reflection of self-evaluation.

I have cancer. My time may be limited.

There's no getting around that reality. My body might react well treatment, or it may not. I'm sure trying to go beyond what the "typical" patient may be doing in this situation to give myself the best chance of healing and survival. We all planning on this treatment, both medical and personal efforts to work.

But.

There are some things that just may be out of my control. Here's the official stats:

Based on people diagnosed between 2003 and 2009 the overall relative 5-year survival rate of people diagnosed with a malignant GIST was estimated to be about 76%.

• If the tumor was confined to the organ where it started, the 5-year relative survival was 91%.
• If it had grown into nearby tissue (or spread to nearby lymph nodes) when it was first diagnosed, the 5-year relative survival was around 74%.
• If it had spread to distant sites when it was first diagnosed, the 5-year relative survival was 48%.

These are actually pretty good numbers on the first two bullet points, a little less on the third. So where I fall in these stats is a little unsure. Likely somewhere between the second and third. Do we look at the half full or half empty side of that. Even if it’s half full, what does the future look like beyond five years?

We've only done an initial CT scan and a biopsy that was conclusive on my tumor size and type. Where of if it's spread is not clear, meaning we don't have any obvious satellite tumors, but some questionable areas. The tumor is huge, off the charts for the staging classification, which has masked its origin. It doesn't appear to emanate from an organ, which is good. It appears to have low notification numbers, meaning it's slow growing, which is also good.

So, lots of checks in the "good" column on a chart that is generally speaking not all that good at the outset.

But back to reality. There is a lot we don't know. This upcoming scan may tell us something good. Then again the scan may tell us something bad, but more likely this early it may tell us not much.

If the tumor grows that's not good. Then again with the treatment there's a chance the tumor may swell some before it shrinks. So there could be multiple reasons for it to measure bigger. I'm really not sure how accurately it can be measured. Maybe it'll just be another picture of the same thing.

Maybe. If. Who knows.

When there is so much unknown my mind tries to fill the gaps. Usually I just avoid the tough questions and push forward with what I do know or can do. That's part of why I work out almost every day. It's something I can control. Something I can do to try and fix the situation.

So when you see me out waking the dog, or sweating it out and gasping for air on the spin bike at the rec center, you might be able to guess some of my motivation. I have additional motivations to go beyond what I might do otherwise. That’s why I continue to embrace my mantras like #gobeyond and #ichoosetolive, because they keep me focused and motivated to give it my all, even when I don’t feel like it.

I know there are many others with similar or even more compelling reasons to push a little harder. Hopefully for most it's not some major health challenge or negative life event. Maybe it's the desire to do more. To achieve more. To see what's possible. To build something more for you and your family.

Whatever it may be, find your reason and get to work. Time to pick myself back up and get to it.

Photo note: It’s an old one I took during my 365 daily photo challenge. Thought it was fitting for today’s thoughts. Need to get back on the wagon creating some new photos of myself again.